Amy Heidbreder

Perspective. It’s taken me weeks to write this blog. I’ve been drowning beneath an immense amount of information, work and drama. I don’t think I’ve ever worked a faster paced 3 weeks in my life, but I will say it’s quite amazing what has been accomplished the last few weeks. This tilted pace has thankfully not been a cacophony of spinning wheels, but has instead been highly productive. I feel like with each achievement, I’ve gained a true foothold in the Earth, and am for the first time in a while pressing forward. Maybe one day there will be time to pause and celebrate each of the accomplishments made throughout this month. Unfortunately, these days there is no time to pause. I always feel “clocked in” and engaged mentally. Even riding where I felt I could unplug, I can’t do that anymore. I’ve entered a new training program that is upending and undoing all of my old bad habits. As a result, riding is no longer second nature. It’s not relaxing, and it’s far from any sort of leisure activity. I really have to focus and be engrossed in the task. As my new trainer has stated, any time you’re mounted, you’re doing one of two things—undoing your training or building upon your training. My brain is swimming in a tumultuous, churning and frothing ocean of information. I am always engaged mentally, except for when I sleep.

I have seen the benefits of really trying to focus on my horse’s training. I’ve found areas I’m really lacking, and am trying to give myself grace. I’ve begun to understand the extent of the gaps I need to fill and that bridging these gaps is going to take a lot of work of redoing habitual reactions and improving fitness. Oscar is a completely different horse on the flat already. His entire shape has changed. His trot has developed a bit of pop and impulsion. He floats a little! His canter at times is the canter of my dreams. Tracking right there’s still work to do, but I feel hopeful and like we’re moving in the right direction.

My horse isn’t the only area I’m experiencing forward growth. I’m experiencing forward growth in my freelance, and maybe somewhat in my job. There is a website we’ve been working on for years at my job. Many team members have come and gone. I’m one of the few that has survived the entire project. We were finally able to launch the site after over 6 years. It has been a tumultuous ride, but we did it! Upon launch, I should have felt on top of the world, but I didn’t. I felt tension. I felt struggle. I even felt hurt in a way. I felt tired.

I’ve been trying to evaluate how I felt and why. Feeling overworked and under credited may have something to do with that, but in general, that’s web development. Working in digital world is one of the more ungrateful jobs. It’s because people don’t understand the level of effort. It being digital, the infrastructure is invisible. It’s not built on a concrete foundation from towering steel beams and stacks of glass panels that visibly stretch into the sky, flexing their worth. It’s unseen, but it’s work that can take the same number of hours as building that sky scraper. Because it’s unseen, the level of effort is always underappreciated.

The feeling of underappreciation is painful and wears on people. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed behaviors that suggest there are several people I interact with that feel underappreciated. I’ll avoid divulging specifics, but seeing this and knowing how I feel underappreciated sometimes, I’ve been trying to put in a larger effort in being grateful for people. There are many people who work so hard behind the scenes and never have their names mentioned, their pictures taken. No one ever says “thank you.” I’m trying to say “thank you” more. It starts with me, right? How can I expect someone to be grateful for what I do, if I never express gratitude myself?

On my job, we do our best as a department to adhere to the 4 agreements, and number 3 is probably one of the hardest to adhere to. I needed to remind myself of these this week:

1. Be impeccable with your words.
2. Don’t take anything personal.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

Assumptions are generally had when one chooses not to gain perspective as to the other’s struggles, and we’re all struggling. We all pick up the slack for somebody. What we might not know is that that somebody is picking up the slack for someone else. Assuming the worst in that person and that you have to pick up their slack because they’re lazy can become dangerous. It causes resentment to build and later manifests itself in a way unintended if left unchecked.

Choosing to understand takes guts. Choosing to know and experience someone’s struggle is a very vulnerable place to put oneself in. It’s heavy, in that it might inspire you to take on more work to help that person. It’s draining as it might simply produce only a feeling of guilt if you can’t do anything about it. Regardless, choosing to understand carries weight with it. Choosing to gain perspective is a very brave and righteous thing to do.

Avoid hearsay and talk to people. After the last few weeks, that is one thing I am committed to is gaining other people’s perspective. Maybe by choosing to understand others’ struggles, someone one day will choose to understand mine.