Amy Heidbreder

I haven’t written in a few months, not for lack of trying or the lack of having anything to say, but all the creativity I have in my body I dedicate to my job now. I can’t believe I’m finding it in me to finally finish this blog today. This particular blog I started writing on April 16, 2022, but so many things in my personal life have stalled the last few months, including writing this. I finally got around to cleaning my house for the first time in an embarrassing amount of time just last week. It’s tough to keep up right now, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. I sense that sentiment from a lot of people. The last few months, I’ve been doing my best beneath a profound workload while trying to stay informed and abreast of all the worldly changes currently plaguing society. I’ve been watching A LOT of news the last few months. It’s like watching a train wreck…oh wait, there actually was a train wreck in the news! The news cycle is like watching tumultuous upheaval after tumultuous upheaval, shootings, upon controversial Supreme Court rulings, upon protests, upon law reform, upon inflation, upon food shortages, upon drought, upon hurricane season, upon more death in Ukraine. It’s hard to turn away, especially from those suffering in Ukraine. What they’re experiencing is so horrifying and unfair. The atrocities committed in places like Bucha and Mariupol are unforgivable. Only God will ever be capable of forgiving such crimes. It’s amazing how much change this war has brought.

The only thing guaranteed in this world is change. Every year it seems change moves at an ever-increasing pace. Goal posts shift by the minute, not by the day—let alone by the year any longer. Budgets become irrelevant the following week, and workload transpires abruptly via text while you’re trying to drive to take care of your horse. The world is never still these days. Plans are only ever temporary and always at the whim of a wind shift. Is that healthy? Is that peaceful? I imagine stability and stillness when I think of health and peace, but with a lack of stillness, how can one be stable? With constant urgency, how can one slow down? How can one survive sprinting all the time?

I pose these questions not having an answer. I too feel stuck on the treadmill of life, accommodating everyone else’s change while my dreams fall to the back burner. I’m running, sweating, powering forward, but simultaneously stuck in place, not able to keep up with the pace of the goal posts shifting.

I miss routine. I don’t know what my schedule is anymore, and have no idea how I used to accommodate 2 lessons a week, let alone horse shows. A decade ago, I dreamed of possibility. I dreamed of jumping big jumps. I dreamed of a life of showing horses. I was winning at AA rated shows and raking in prize money on occasion. I still dream those dreams and of being sucked back into that world. I had opportunity to spend an entire day at a horse show a few months ago, where I watched some friends show. It was therapeutic being with horses ALL day. I miss that. It just feels like the opportunity to do that is far narrower now than it used to be. I can hardly get away on my normal weekend days off any longer, and if I do have opportunity to get away, the week has wiped me out so hard, I can’t get out of bed on my day off, and end up missing the chance.

Another contributing factor to this predicament is inflation. The war in Ukraine has influenced prices everywhere. There go the goal posts again. Right when I’ve arrived, I find they’ve been pushed back further. Stillness does not exist anymore. Neither does stability, so how do we maintain peace in a world where by definition it can’t exist? Years ago, I dreamed up a character who was able to find success in the midst of change. I wrote this a while ago, and it just seems relevant:

Art, design, music, acting, fashion—it is an exceptional feat to build a fortune in any creative field. Captivating are individuals with the ability to make a successful living off the inventiveness of their own mind and give birth to forces that play a pivotal role in culture, change how people interact, influence tradition, and tint the lens through which people see their world. The creative industry is bent on harnessing and rearing trends that have the potential to move abruptly and change quickly. Minus basic color principals, Gestalt theory or craft; there is no formula. The method of success is rather unscientific and based loosely on an artist’s knack for generating new ideas that communicate and function fittingly, allure professionals, and garner adoration and devotion from average people.

The onset of social media has favored an increase in pace and allowed fads to move more rapidly and haphazardly, sometimes permitting one moment, one viral video, to be all it takes for one to glean a slew of followers and suffer fame, making it all that more difficult for visionaries to gain prominence and distinction amongst all the restless dysphoria. Even harder than the climb to the top is the act of scraping up enough tenacity and vigor to stay at the top. One cannot just rest when one arrives, especially if one intends to build an empire. Staying on top requires staying ahead of the creative curve and leading the conceptualization of new, great designs, not just being inspired by them or worse copying them.

Getting to the peak of any industry and establishing resilience necessitates not just brilliance in creation or remaining diligent under a profound workload; it also requires playing politics, scratching the right backs, and facilitating an outward presence of poise and grace even under the weightiest of pressures. Eduardo Lerner, a prominent leader in fashion, understood all too well the game of politics in his field, deciphering with great accuracy, in his intent to be and stay at the top of the industry, to whom it would be in his best interest to brownnose and to whom he could show his true self. He had spent nearly a lifetime saving face and hiding his genuine identity, all to strategically benefit his game piece contesting in the world of fashion. His tactic served him well, as his company had become a dominant influence in the fashion world at a level as good as empire, with a foothold at the top of the industry amongst some of the most well-known brands on the planet.

Perhaps I just found the solution to my problem. I haven’t scratched the right backs yet. I haven’t made the right connection. Politics I do not play, perhaps to my own demise. Sometimes, sadly in this world, it’s not what you know, but who you know.

For now, I’ll leave it at…still waiting to meet that connection.